What are you hiding?

Oh boy, so I just finished Week 7 Day 1 of Couch to 5k training (a 25 minute run) out in the heat, and I'm feeling like running off at the fingertips. I have my first 5k of the year coming up in 5 days (why haven't I mentioned this here? go figure), and I totally don't feel ready.

I mean, I could walk 3.1 miles, and I can jog at least half of that distance, but the back of my mind keeps mentioning that last year at this time I ran/walked this particular 5k in my best time ever: 34:57. There is pretty much zero chance that I will do better than that this time, and that bothers me. Plus, last year this race was full of uber athletes, and I came in nearly dead last.

But I digress... from the fingertip diarrhea that I had intended for this post.

So anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about hiding in fat. I guess different people hide in different things, and maybe some people don't feel the need to hide (even subconsciously?) at all, but many of us do. Maybe some people hide in makeup, or fancy clothes, or behind a mask of smiles. But many of us, it seems, use our fat as a blanket around something (something physical? something emotional?) that we don't want others to see. When talking about this recently, the question was posed to me: "What were you hiding from then?" I hadn't really thought about that.

Truth is, I really don't know. I always assume, when thinking about other people, that maybe they're hiding from some horribly traumatic event from their past, like maybe they were molested. Maybe they were continually verbally abused by a parent... and I am nearly 100% certain that nothing like that ever happened to me. I mean, other than being verbally accused by classmates in junior high of being "a lesbo," ...repeatedly, and incessantly... other than that, I can't think of anything. Could that have been it? I don't know. I thought I was really tough back then, and even before that I'd already started building up my wall of chub between me and the world.

But I feel like there has to be something. I think about what was going through my mind those years that I kept turning off the "stop eating" signal in my brain. Turning off the "get up off the couch and do something" signal. And encouraging the thought: "Fuck it, I'm happy. So what, I'm fat and I'm happy, and I LOVE eating cookies."

Putting the "lesbo" torture aside, and thinking about what was going through my head in the years leading up to making a decision to change things, I think what I must have been feeling was just an apathy resulting from the idea that I couldn't be perfect, so why try? And if my problem was "I can't be perfect so why try," then is it now improved?

Yes, it is improved. It is not gone, however. In fact, the reason I recognize it so readily now is because I still have the thoughts "I'm not perfect" and "I must be perfect" all the time. The difference between then and now is that I can often (but not always) tell myself "I can't be perfect," and I can tell myself that's okay. I can miss a workout, or eat too much pizza... I can drink too many full-calorie Yuenglings, and I can spend an entire day not doing much of anything. I am not perfect... at all. But that is no excuse not to try. I guess that's the difference.

If you're having trouble taking the time to do something for your own health... or having trouble deciding to do something about your sadness... maybe you can get down to the nitty gritty, and figure out what are you hiding? What are you hiding from? And is it really worth it to hide? Is it benefiting you in any way?

I found it was easier for me to act first, examine later. I started eating healthier, started exercising. If you start doing those things, you might find that you can live off of the adrenaline of the results for quite some time, but you will still come to the time when you have to ask yourself these questions. If you can't make yourself get started though... maybe ask the questions now. Find out the answer. Know it, own it, and move on with your life.

The very best "Real Exercise"

Over the last few months, I've been thinking about the concept of exercise for the sake of exercise. For me, this includes going to the gym, getting up early to walk and/or run, doing counter push-ups and squats while working, stuff like that. This exercise is really anything that we do not because it's necessarily fun, and not because it helps us accomplish something that I had to do anyway, but just because we need exercise.

So, in contrast to this "exercise for the sake of exercise," there is also what I call "Real Exercise." This is any exercise that you get because you're doing something that either needed to be done, because it is fun to do, ot just because it is part of your everyday life. For me, this includes mowing the grass, hiking up a mountain at work (if you are lucky like me and have this kind of thing as one of your duties), digging a ditch at work, biking to the store to get flour, playing volleyball at a church picnic... and I discovered the most awesome and rewarding "Real Exercise" yesterday: playing chase with my kids.

Last night when I was outside pushing the kids on swings in my mother-in-law's pristine back yard, Tayan and Zene asked me to play "jail." We ended up running around that yard like children while memories came flooding into my mind of playing chase with the neighborhood kids 25 years ago. I remembered bossing other kids around, explaining the rules of Hide & Seek and Freeze Tag... showing off how I knew how to use the term "Ready or not, here I come!" It was amazing, and not only was I as close as humanly possible to living  through my 7-year-old body, but I was also getting some amazing cardio.

When I'm running for exercise, I never get the feeling that there's a giggling, tickling policeman behind me who might catch me and take me to fake jail. Because of this, when I'm running for exercise, I never really attempt to run as fast as I possibly can, never digging my toes into the soft grassy ground and lifting my knees like a sprinter just out of the block... but last night, I was doing just that. Never when I'm running for exercise have I gotten to the point where I was trying so hard to move quickly forward, and my legs have become so exhausted, that I nearly fell on my face while trying to speed up--last night, that happened. Because I am not a 7-year old, we had to have 3 separate sessions of playing chase with hefty breaks in between. But three separate times last night, I became sweaty, exhausted, and overjoyed at exercising and playing hard with my kids. All three of us were elated.

The most important thing I got out of last night's running session with my kids was not the sore quads that I most certainly do have today. The most important thing I got out of it was a sense that "this is what it has all been for." This is what I lost 65 pounds to be able to do. I can play with my kids, not just a little bit... not just enough to push them in their swings, but I can actually play with them, on their level. It is the most amazing feeling, and I never want to lose it. As they grow, their tastes in exercise will change... they will become more interested in the things that I also like... maybe running, definitely biking and playing sports. For now though, we can run around the yard on a hot humid summer night, laughing and falling down together. It is no doubt the very best kind of "Real Exercise" that I can do.

Mahatma Gandhi was a wise man

Not sure if you knew this or not, but Gandhi was a really wise man.  I love so much of what he has said, and I really need to read more of his work. The quote of his that has become my mantra is "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." The quote says so much that speaks to me. It begins with "You must..." I love that it is a command. I'm a person who loves to take commands from people whom I respect. If I believe in you and you lead, I will follow. Also, the quote is so simple: everyone knows what they wish was different in the world--so be that. Be it, and be an example for others to be it, too. 


This morning I was reading The Positivity Blog post entitled Gandhi's Top 10 Fundamentals for Changing the World, and Gandhi's quote that really grabbed me was: 


"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."


This is so simple, yet I for one never would have thought of it. "Happiness is..." Whatever follows that is a bold statement, because pretty much our whole adult lives we're trying to find happiness, trying to sustain it for longer than a few minutes or hours at a time. Of course, I'm certain that Gandhi's quote isn't the whole truth of happiness--but it is a great observation of happiness.



One morning last week I was clearly unhappy. Even 3 year old Zene asked me 20 minutes into our day what was wrong with me. I gave him a curt answer and he ran crying to his room. Poor kid. I knew even then that the reason I was unhappy that morning is because I woke up early, I knew I should get up and go walk or run or bike... and I continued to just lie there. Not because I was tired, just because I didn't get up. What I was thinking and what I was doing weren't in harmony. 


Today I woke up with my alarm. I was wide awake, and I got that feeling that I really needed to go. I heeded my thoughts, and took Lupin for a lovely brisk walk on this muggy July morning. We wore ourselves out. And the proof of Gandhi's words is in this pudding: I've felt great all morning! 


So keep in mind Gandhi's wisdom. Maybe his quote isn't the most complete definition of what "Happiness is...", but it can more certainly be said that your thoughts, words, and actions must be in harmony in order to approach happiness. 

When you know you've screwed up

Some days you just know you've screwed something up.

Maybe it happens like this: you don't mean to, but you skip breakfast. Maybe you got too busy too quickly--or you didn't have any food you wanted to eat--or you had a big cup of coffee and it got you through your morning on only 35 calories of sweetener. For whatever reason, you are ravenous by 11AM, and you end up making a crap decision for lunch. You go to a buffet. You finish the first plate of food, and you think "geez, I didn't eat anything all morning, and I could still eat..." So you get another plate of food. Back in the day, this might have been business as usual, but since your body is used to eating just about the amount of food you actually need, when it gets too much you end up feeling like CRAP.

Now it's afternoon, your belly is bulging over your new skinny jeans, and you couldn't go for a run if a dog was biting you on the ass. You feel like a lump. In a desk chair. And you're falling asleep. Somewhere your day went terribly wrong, and you don't know where to go from here.

Well, this pretty much describes my day today, and I'm not proud of it. But I came here to write about it anyway--that was one of the choices I made in moving on with the rest of my day. Where do I go from here? Well, what can I do but move on. My decisions on this one day do not define me. I am defined by the decisions that I continue to make for the rest of my life.

I'm not even thinking about whether I'm going to "salvage" my day, or even "write off" my day, because this day is part of my life, just like every day is. I will make better decisions later today, and also tomorrow, and in the end the good decisions I made will outweigh the poor ones, and I will have had a great life. I believe this is all any of us can do.

"Please remind me that I like to have fun."

After a particularly fun evening the other night for my sister Sara's birthday, my brother-in-law CC said to us, in regards to next time we ask him to do something he might decide not to: "Hey guys, please remind me that I like to have fun." I love that he said that, and it reminds me so much of the way I feel about exercising.

Exercise is FUN. It's fun while you're doing it, and it's really fun when it's finished. When you're exercising, your heart is pumping, your body is moving, and you just feel physically and emotionally engaged. When it's done, you have a feeling of euphoria that can keep you pumped with energy and enthusiasm literally all day. In addition, you have a sense of "I did something good for myself today," which makes you feel like giving yourself a high five.

Exercise is NOT fun, however, before you do it. The idea of it is just off-putting. I have tried and tried to figure out why this is, because a good physical workout clearly triggers the pleasure-sensing parts of the brain, releases endorphins, and does all those things that are supposed to keep us wanting to do things... so why is it that looking forward to exercise just isn't fun?

Well, that I don't know. But what I do know is that we need to make ourselves remember that exercise is fun... that it's worthwhile, our bodies will thank us, and we'll actually feel MORE energized when it's done.

So, please remind me that I like to do exercise. Please remind me that I like to have fun. I'll remind you, too.

Make an Unusual Choice

Something’s been bothering me about my blog of late…it’s all about me. You guys probably noticed this a long time ago, but it has just dawned on me recently. As Eddie Izzard would say “God save the Queen? That is one saved fucking queen…” I am a saved queen myself. Although I have ups and downs (like anyone), I have done a pretty good job of keeping this 65 pounds off for some time now, and I don’t really need to be writing a blog that’s all about my own trials and tribulations.

So I want this blog to have a new direction: towards you! I want to use what little knowledge I’ve acquired to help you readers out there, to help you make changes in your own lives, and to love life a little more (and this change has been reflected in my new profile blurb on the right).

Of course, let’s be honest: there will still be plenty of whining and self-talk here, but now the whining and self-talk will be more geared to helping you. If you think that doesn’t sound like much of a change, you’re probably right.
But I’m going to do my best.

So, here’s my first attempt.

Make an Unusual Choice

I was out walking through the woods today (with a 70% chance of intermittent jogging), and I was thinking. To choose to change clothes at lunchtime, get my iPod loaded up, lace up my shoes, and go outside today was an unusual choice for me. I haven’t made that choice for even one day in the last month, but today I did. I can’t say for sure what made me make that choice, but I know telling several people I was going to do it made a big difference.

Life is just a series of choices. I’m pretty sure that’s a famous quote by someone. We make choices all day long, and they all lead to other choices. One day you make a choice that you later regret (like having 3 beers on a weeknight, for example, or eating half of an entire pizza). The next day, with that choice to go on, you make another choice that you end up regretting.

I have a suggestion: make an unusual choice! Do something you wouldn’t normally do. And if you want to change your life, make a lot of choices in a row that you wouldn’t normally make. My whole healthy journey started like this one day back in August 2009. I was so screwed up at that time, didn’t know how to make myself obedient to my own wishes… I decided that all I could do was make new choices. Here are a few that I remember making in that first 24 hours:

• Chose to go to the grocery store at lunchtime, to buy healthy food to stock my office with, rather than going to McDonald’s.

• Chose to go to a Pampered Chef party on a week night, leaving Bryan and the kids to fend for themselves for a few hours – this doesn’t sound like a healthy choice? Well, it taught me to practice taking time for myself when I need it.

• Chose to accept an invitation to go to a garden and reap a lot of free veggies instead of stay home in the a/c and play a video game.

• Chose to take a walk with my dog.

This is a challenge for you, Dear Reader! Go out today, make an unusual choice, and come back here and let me know how it made you feel. Do it just once, and see if it doesn’t lead to you wanting to do it again. 

A year between two avatar pics

I took a new avatar picture the other day, and when I went to save it I realized that I’d taken an avatar pic almost exactly a year previous. I have one named 052611, and another 052510. I decided to open up that older picture and see how I’ve changed.

Here’s the 2010 picture…

And the 2011 one…

They’re both taken in the same office, with the same WVU banner in the background… but a very different person is looking out at me.

First of all, I have new hair. My old hair was long and always pony-tailed. It’s short now though, and I don’t think I’ll ever go back. I love having short hair, and instead of being the same every single day, my hair pretty much reflects the way I’m feeling on any given day. I love that about it.

My glasses are also different, but only slightly. They’re almost exactly the same shape as before, but now I wear purple glasses; and when I’m not wearing those, I wear bright, multi-colored ones. I think this says that my old tastes are the same, but they’ve become brighter.

I’m showing my teeth in the new picture, and in the old one I wanted to appear… thoughtful, I think. I don’t care now though; I just smile my flat smile with those orthodontist-corrected teeth for the world to see.

My face appears almost exactly the same. I’ve lost only a little bit of weight between last year and this year, and my face has pretty much stabilized. It’s not the potato head it once was. When I look back at the potato head pictures of my past, I love but also feel a little bit sorry for that old, fatter me, but I’ve totally embraced this new me. This is the face I will grow old with.

But  most importantly, and probably most noticeably (other than the hair), I look more free. The lighting doesn’t hurt… but I think the lighting actually tells part of the story. I’m not hiding at all. In the first picture it looks like I’m in a cave getting my body “ready” to show the world. In the new picture, I’ve shown it—and the world is pretty much indifferent, just as they should be. My body and my face are mine; I’m the one that cares so much about them. I feel now like it doesn’t matter what other people think. I’m not putting on a show for them. I’m living my life, and I’m damn proud of who I am: the part of me that has always been, and also the part of me that is brand new.