What are you hiding?

Oh boy, so I just finished Week 7 Day 1 of Couch to 5k training (a 25 minute run) out in the heat, and I'm feeling like running off at the fingertips. I have my first 5k of the year coming up in 5 days (why haven't I mentioned this here? go figure), and I totally don't feel ready.

I mean, I could walk 3.1 miles, and I can jog at least half of that distance, but the back of my mind keeps mentioning that last year at this time I ran/walked this particular 5k in my best time ever: 34:57. There is pretty much zero chance that I will do better than that this time, and that bothers me. Plus, last year this race was full of uber athletes, and I came in nearly dead last.

But I digress... from the fingertip diarrhea that I had intended for this post.

So anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about hiding in fat. I guess different people hide in different things, and maybe some people don't feel the need to hide (even subconsciously?) at all, but many of us do. Maybe some people hide in makeup, or fancy clothes, or behind a mask of smiles. But many of us, it seems, use our fat as a blanket around something (something physical? something emotional?) that we don't want others to see. When talking about this recently, the question was posed to me: "What were you hiding from then?" I hadn't really thought about that.

Truth is, I really don't know. I always assume, when thinking about other people, that maybe they're hiding from some horribly traumatic event from their past, like maybe they were molested. Maybe they were continually verbally abused by a parent... and I am nearly 100% certain that nothing like that ever happened to me. I mean, other than being verbally accused by classmates in junior high of being "a lesbo," ...repeatedly, and incessantly... other than that, I can't think of anything. Could that have been it? I don't know. I thought I was really tough back then, and even before that I'd already started building up my wall of chub between me and the world.

But I feel like there has to be something. I think about what was going through my mind those years that I kept turning off the "stop eating" signal in my brain. Turning off the "get up off the couch and do something" signal. And encouraging the thought: "Fuck it, I'm happy. So what, I'm fat and I'm happy, and I LOVE eating cookies."

Putting the "lesbo" torture aside, and thinking about what was going through my head in the years leading up to making a decision to change things, I think what I must have been feeling was just an apathy resulting from the idea that I couldn't be perfect, so why try? And if my problem was "I can't be perfect so why try," then is it now improved?

Yes, it is improved. It is not gone, however. In fact, the reason I recognize it so readily now is because I still have the thoughts "I'm not perfect" and "I must be perfect" all the time. The difference between then and now is that I can often (but not always) tell myself "I can't be perfect," and I can tell myself that's okay. I can miss a workout, or eat too much pizza... I can drink too many full-calorie Yuenglings, and I can spend an entire day not doing much of anything. I am not perfect... at all. But that is no excuse not to try. I guess that's the difference.

If you're having trouble taking the time to do something for your own health... or having trouble deciding to do something about your sadness... maybe you can get down to the nitty gritty, and figure out what are you hiding? What are you hiding from? And is it really worth it to hide? Is it benefiting you in any way?

I found it was easier for me to act first, examine later. I started eating healthier, started exercising. If you start doing those things, you might find that you can live off of the adrenaline of the results for quite some time, but you will still come to the time when you have to ask yourself these questions. If you can't make yourself get started though... maybe ask the questions now. Find out the answer. Know it, own it, and move on with your life.