My Fitness Pals

My littlest sister Annie told me a few weeks ago that I just had to download "this app we've been using" (meaning she and my other little sister, Beth) for food and fitness. I was like "Whatever, Annie, I've seen all the food logging apps." But she said this one was great, and I had to check it out, because not only were she and Beth on it, but Dad was on it too, and also Sara (3rd and final sister). I downloaded it to placate her, but I didn't open it 'till (sorry Annie) I saw some fancy fitness blogger was using it, too. I'm such a snob.

So I started using MyFitnessPal, and lemme tell you... Annie was actually right; it's great! It updates splendidly from the internet version to my mobile phone--I have never had an incident where I entered things on my computer, then checked my phone and it hadn't updated. It has a very good database of food, AND you can add your own foods that can either be corroborated or refuted by other users (Wikipedia-like). The database for exercise is okay, but I've had some issues with logging strength training exercise and it saying that I hadn't burned ANY calories doing them. Also, we found after some digging that you can share your food journal with your friends, or even make it public, which is something I'd really been wanting to do. 

I am LauraWV on there, and I have 4 friends: Annie, Beth, Sara, and Dad. It's like our own personal little twitterverse where we share our successes and comments on what we're doing, with other people who really want to know. I used to tweet all my healthy lifestyle victories on Twitter, but I've gotten away from that thinking that most of my twitter friends could give two hoots whether I ran or mowed the lawn for exercise today. I love MyFitnessPal, and it's helping me immensely to re-focus on my healthy lifestyle. 

So thanks to the support and camaraderie I've been getting from my sisters (and under the knowing oversight of Dad), I've been having a GREAT couple of weeks. 

Tuesday night, during a night of truly horrendous sleep, I told myself that if I was still awake by 5AM, I'd just go out and run. It was better than laying there being frustrated about not being able to sleep for another hour. Five AM came, I was still awake, so I got up. I went out, and it was so dark and beautiful outside. The stars were bright in the sky, and I could see Orion shining over me. Took my 5min warm-up walk with Lupin, leashed him in the front yard, and went off to run my 28 minutes of Couch to 5k Training, Week 8 Day 2. 

As soon as I started running I felt absolutely great. It was just one of those great runs. I went up hills, down hills, went all the way out the road that I had pictured (as I lay in bed unable to sleep an hour previously) I would make it to before the guy in my ear said "you are halfway done," and I turned around. It still seemed easy, and before I knew it I was back at my front yard and he was saying "workout complete." Unbelievable. I ran for 28 minutes (2.2 miles) without stopping, feeling great, and it was still dark when I got home. I had so much time... took a leisurely shower, then laid down with the family for another 20 minutes before I made them wake up. 

I would never have done it if I couldn't come home and immediately post it to MyFitnessPal, so my sisters and Dad would all know that I'd done my exercise for the day, subtly challenging them to do the same. 

Two years of "Stateless Dieting"

It's been 2 years. Two years since I started this healthy lifestyle of mine. I was getting ready to post a comment on Roni's blog that mentioned my 2 years, and I actually had to stop and consult my Calorie Count (.about.com) weight loss chart to make sure I was right about it being two years since I started this thing.

There it is: proof. I started logging my progress in June of 2009, and here I am in August of 2011 still going like the Energizer Bunny. 

--Well, not exactly like the Energizer Bunny. You can see quite a few ups and downs there in the 2011 period, and you can see that I'm still right around where I was in August 2010, weightwise. I have given this issue quite a bit of thought, but we'll leave that for another day.

The point is, I'm still doing it! That's a heckuva long way that I've come down... the slope is such that this image is in "portrait" rather than "landscape." It stands up on its own, living proof that I've done it and I'm still doing it. I haven't gone back up, and I won't ever. 

The single biggest reason that I've been able to make it this long...? I'll tell you: it's the concept of the "stateless diet," which I learned from Roni. The idea is that I am not "on a diet." I am merely living my life one day, one meal at a time. Some meals are great because they are super healthy, tasty, and they get me through to the next meal like gangbusters. Some meals are great because they are sufficiently high in carbs... and fat... and joy... that they allow my brain the freedom to enjoy food and life at the same time. Some meals just really suck, because I wasn't prepared, I didn't have the right food, or I was just lazy. None of these meals have to affect future ones. I eat them and I move on. I live my life. 

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As a side note, I was standing in a Sheetz the other day with two cups of ice and a pack of Butterscotch Krimpets in my hand (they were for Bryan, not me). It was after 9pm, and I had 3 hours of driving home to look forward to. It had been an awesome day full of birthday party at my mom's house. I was in a very long line to buy this confection for Bryan, and I started to lament my circumstances. "Why do I need to be here in this line right now? Why don't they have another lane open? It's so LATE already!" I started to become a sourpuss, but then I quickly turned it all around with this thought: "This is life... right now... and I am in it. I am here, with all these interesting people to look at, who are buying their late night snacks, and I get to get into my car with 2 sleeping kids and my husband, and drive home tonight." In that store, in that long line, arms full of stuff, I smiled. I was happy, and it lasted the rest of the night. Bryan and I talked all the way home like dating teenagers. 

What are you hiding?

Oh boy, so I just finished Week 7 Day 1 of Couch to 5k training (a 25 minute run) out in the heat, and I'm feeling like running off at the fingertips. I have my first 5k of the year coming up in 5 days (why haven't I mentioned this here? go figure), and I totally don't feel ready.

I mean, I could walk 3.1 miles, and I can jog at least half of that distance, but the back of my mind keeps mentioning that last year at this time I ran/walked this particular 5k in my best time ever: 34:57. There is pretty much zero chance that I will do better than that this time, and that bothers me. Plus, last year this race was full of uber athletes, and I came in nearly dead last.

But I digress... from the fingertip diarrhea that I had intended for this post.

So anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about hiding in fat. I guess different people hide in different things, and maybe some people don't feel the need to hide (even subconsciously?) at all, but many of us do. Maybe some people hide in makeup, or fancy clothes, or behind a mask of smiles. But many of us, it seems, use our fat as a blanket around something (something physical? something emotional?) that we don't want others to see. When talking about this recently, the question was posed to me: "What were you hiding from then?" I hadn't really thought about that.

Truth is, I really don't know. I always assume, when thinking about other people, that maybe they're hiding from some horribly traumatic event from their past, like maybe they were molested. Maybe they were continually verbally abused by a parent... and I am nearly 100% certain that nothing like that ever happened to me. I mean, other than being verbally accused by classmates in junior high of being "a lesbo," ...repeatedly, and incessantly... other than that, I can't think of anything. Could that have been it? I don't know. I thought I was really tough back then, and even before that I'd already started building up my wall of chub between me and the world.

But I feel like there has to be something. I think about what was going through my mind those years that I kept turning off the "stop eating" signal in my brain. Turning off the "get up off the couch and do something" signal. And encouraging the thought: "Fuck it, I'm happy. So what, I'm fat and I'm happy, and I LOVE eating cookies."

Putting the "lesbo" torture aside, and thinking about what was going through my head in the years leading up to making a decision to change things, I think what I must have been feeling was just an apathy resulting from the idea that I couldn't be perfect, so why try? And if my problem was "I can't be perfect so why try," then is it now improved?

Yes, it is improved. It is not gone, however. In fact, the reason I recognize it so readily now is because I still have the thoughts "I'm not perfect" and "I must be perfect" all the time. The difference between then and now is that I can often (but not always) tell myself "I can't be perfect," and I can tell myself that's okay. I can miss a workout, or eat too much pizza... I can drink too many full-calorie Yuenglings, and I can spend an entire day not doing much of anything. I am not perfect... at all. But that is no excuse not to try. I guess that's the difference.

If you're having trouble taking the time to do something for your own health... or having trouble deciding to do something about your sadness... maybe you can get down to the nitty gritty, and figure out what are you hiding? What are you hiding from? And is it really worth it to hide? Is it benefiting you in any way?

I found it was easier for me to act first, examine later. I started eating healthier, started exercising. If you start doing those things, you might find that you can live off of the adrenaline of the results for quite some time, but you will still come to the time when you have to ask yourself these questions. If you can't make yourself get started though... maybe ask the questions now. Find out the answer. Know it, own it, and move on with your life.

The very best "Real Exercise"

Over the last few months, I've been thinking about the concept of exercise for the sake of exercise. For me, this includes going to the gym, getting up early to walk and/or run, doing counter push-ups and squats while working, stuff like that. This exercise is really anything that we do not because it's necessarily fun, and not because it helps us accomplish something that I had to do anyway, but just because we need exercise.

So, in contrast to this "exercise for the sake of exercise," there is also what I call "Real Exercise." This is any exercise that you get because you're doing something that either needed to be done, because it is fun to do, ot just because it is part of your everyday life. For me, this includes mowing the grass, hiking up a mountain at work (if you are lucky like me and have this kind of thing as one of your duties), digging a ditch at work, biking to the store to get flour, playing volleyball at a church picnic... and I discovered the most awesome and rewarding "Real Exercise" yesterday: playing chase with my kids.

Last night when I was outside pushing the kids on swings in my mother-in-law's pristine back yard, Tayan and Zene asked me to play "jail." We ended up running around that yard like children while memories came flooding into my mind of playing chase with the neighborhood kids 25 years ago. I remembered bossing other kids around, explaining the rules of Hide & Seek and Freeze Tag... showing off how I knew how to use the term "Ready or not, here I come!" It was amazing, and not only was I as close as humanly possible to living  through my 7-year-old body, but I was also getting some amazing cardio.

When I'm running for exercise, I never get the feeling that there's a giggling, tickling policeman behind me who might catch me and take me to fake jail. Because of this, when I'm running for exercise, I never really attempt to run as fast as I possibly can, never digging my toes into the soft grassy ground and lifting my knees like a sprinter just out of the block... but last night, I was doing just that. Never when I'm running for exercise have I gotten to the point where I was trying so hard to move quickly forward, and my legs have become so exhausted, that I nearly fell on my face while trying to speed up--last night, that happened. Because I am not a 7-year old, we had to have 3 separate sessions of playing chase with hefty breaks in between. But three separate times last night, I became sweaty, exhausted, and overjoyed at exercising and playing hard with my kids. All three of us were elated.

The most important thing I got out of last night's running session with my kids was not the sore quads that I most certainly do have today. The most important thing I got out of it was a sense that "this is what it has all been for." This is what I lost 65 pounds to be able to do. I can play with my kids, not just a little bit... not just enough to push them in their swings, but I can actually play with them, on their level. It is the most amazing feeling, and I never want to lose it. As they grow, their tastes in exercise will change... they will become more interested in the things that I also like... maybe running, definitely biking and playing sports. For now though, we can run around the yard on a hot humid summer night, laughing and falling down together. It is no doubt the very best kind of "Real Exercise" that I can do.

Mahatma Gandhi was a wise man

Not sure if you knew this or not, but Gandhi was a really wise man.  I love so much of what he has said, and I really need to read more of his work. The quote of his that has become my mantra is "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." The quote says so much that speaks to me. It begins with "You must..." I love that it is a command. I'm a person who loves to take commands from people whom I respect. If I believe in you and you lead, I will follow. Also, the quote is so simple: everyone knows what they wish was different in the world--so be that. Be it, and be an example for others to be it, too. 


This morning I was reading The Positivity Blog post entitled Gandhi's Top 10 Fundamentals for Changing the World, and Gandhi's quote that really grabbed me was: 


"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."


This is so simple, yet I for one never would have thought of it. "Happiness is..." Whatever follows that is a bold statement, because pretty much our whole adult lives we're trying to find happiness, trying to sustain it for longer than a few minutes or hours at a time. Of course, I'm certain that Gandhi's quote isn't the whole truth of happiness--but it is a great observation of happiness.



One morning last week I was clearly unhappy. Even 3 year old Zene asked me 20 minutes into our day what was wrong with me. I gave him a curt answer and he ran crying to his room. Poor kid. I knew even then that the reason I was unhappy that morning is because I woke up early, I knew I should get up and go walk or run or bike... and I continued to just lie there. Not because I was tired, just because I didn't get up. What I was thinking and what I was doing weren't in harmony. 


Today I woke up with my alarm. I was wide awake, and I got that feeling that I really needed to go. I heeded my thoughts, and took Lupin for a lovely brisk walk on this muggy July morning. We wore ourselves out. And the proof of Gandhi's words is in this pudding: I've felt great all morning! 


So keep in mind Gandhi's wisdom. Maybe his quote isn't the most complete definition of what "Happiness is...", but it can more certainly be said that your thoughts, words, and actions must be in harmony in order to approach happiness. 

When you know you've screwed up

Some days you just know you've screwed something up.

Maybe it happens like this: you don't mean to, but you skip breakfast. Maybe you got too busy too quickly--or you didn't have any food you wanted to eat--or you had a big cup of coffee and it got you through your morning on only 35 calories of sweetener. For whatever reason, you are ravenous by 11AM, and you end up making a crap decision for lunch. You go to a buffet. You finish the first plate of food, and you think "geez, I didn't eat anything all morning, and I could still eat..." So you get another plate of food. Back in the day, this might have been business as usual, but since your body is used to eating just about the amount of food you actually need, when it gets too much you end up feeling like CRAP.

Now it's afternoon, your belly is bulging over your new skinny jeans, and you couldn't go for a run if a dog was biting you on the ass. You feel like a lump. In a desk chair. And you're falling asleep. Somewhere your day went terribly wrong, and you don't know where to go from here.

Well, this pretty much describes my day today, and I'm not proud of it. But I came here to write about it anyway--that was one of the choices I made in moving on with the rest of my day. Where do I go from here? Well, what can I do but move on. My decisions on this one day do not define me. I am defined by the decisions that I continue to make for the rest of my life.

I'm not even thinking about whether I'm going to "salvage" my day, or even "write off" my day, because this day is part of my life, just like every day is. I will make better decisions later today, and also tomorrow, and in the end the good decisions I made will outweigh the poor ones, and I will have had a great life. I believe this is all any of us can do.

"Please remind me that I like to have fun."

After a particularly fun evening the other night for my sister Sara's birthday, my brother-in-law CC said to us, in regards to next time we ask him to do something he might decide not to: "Hey guys, please remind me that I like to have fun." I love that he said that, and it reminds me so much of the way I feel about exercising.

Exercise is FUN. It's fun while you're doing it, and it's really fun when it's finished. When you're exercising, your heart is pumping, your body is moving, and you just feel physically and emotionally engaged. When it's done, you have a feeling of euphoria that can keep you pumped with energy and enthusiasm literally all day. In addition, you have a sense of "I did something good for myself today," which makes you feel like giving yourself a high five.

Exercise is NOT fun, however, before you do it. The idea of it is just off-putting. I have tried and tried to figure out why this is, because a good physical workout clearly triggers the pleasure-sensing parts of the brain, releases endorphins, and does all those things that are supposed to keep us wanting to do things... so why is it that looking forward to exercise just isn't fun?

Well, that I don't know. But what I do know is that we need to make ourselves remember that exercise is fun... that it's worthwhile, our bodies will thank us, and we'll actually feel MORE energized when it's done.

So, please remind me that I like to do exercise. Please remind me that I like to have fun. I'll remind you, too.