Two years of "Stateless Dieting"

It's been 2 years. Two years since I started this healthy lifestyle of mine. I was getting ready to post a comment on Roni's blog that mentioned my 2 years, and I actually had to stop and consult my Calorie Count (.about.com) weight loss chart to make sure I was right about it being two years since I started this thing.

There it is: proof. I started logging my progress in June of 2009, and here I am in August of 2011 still going like the Energizer Bunny. 

--Well, not exactly like the Energizer Bunny. You can see quite a few ups and downs there in the 2011 period, and you can see that I'm still right around where I was in August 2010, weightwise. I have given this issue quite a bit of thought, but we'll leave that for another day.

The point is, I'm still doing it! That's a heckuva long way that I've come down... the slope is such that this image is in "portrait" rather than "landscape." It stands up on its own, living proof that I've done it and I'm still doing it. I haven't gone back up, and I won't ever. 

The single biggest reason that I've been able to make it this long...? I'll tell you: it's the concept of the "stateless diet," which I learned from Roni. The idea is that I am not "on a diet." I am merely living my life one day, one meal at a time. Some meals are great because they are super healthy, tasty, and they get me through to the next meal like gangbusters. Some meals are great because they are sufficiently high in carbs... and fat... and joy... that they allow my brain the freedom to enjoy food and life at the same time. Some meals just really suck, because I wasn't prepared, I didn't have the right food, or I was just lazy. None of these meals have to affect future ones. I eat them and I move on. I live my life. 

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As a side note, I was standing in a Sheetz the other day with two cups of ice and a pack of Butterscotch Krimpets in my hand (they were for Bryan, not me). It was after 9pm, and I had 3 hours of driving home to look forward to. It had been an awesome day full of birthday party at my mom's house. I was in a very long line to buy this confection for Bryan, and I started to lament my circumstances. "Why do I need to be here in this line right now? Why don't they have another lane open? It's so LATE already!" I started to become a sourpuss, but then I quickly turned it all around with this thought: "This is life... right now... and I am in it. I am here, with all these interesting people to look at, who are buying their late night snacks, and I get to get into my car with 2 sleeping kids and my husband, and drive home tonight." In that store, in that long line, arms full of stuff, I smiled. I was happy, and it lasted the rest of the night. Bryan and I talked all the way home like dating teenagers. 

What are you hiding?

Oh boy, so I just finished Week 7 Day 1 of Couch to 5k training (a 25 minute run) out in the heat, and I'm feeling like running off at the fingertips. I have my first 5k of the year coming up in 5 days (why haven't I mentioned this here? go figure), and I totally don't feel ready.

I mean, I could walk 3.1 miles, and I can jog at least half of that distance, but the back of my mind keeps mentioning that last year at this time I ran/walked this particular 5k in my best time ever: 34:57. There is pretty much zero chance that I will do better than that this time, and that bothers me. Plus, last year this race was full of uber athletes, and I came in nearly dead last.

But I digress... from the fingertip diarrhea that I had intended for this post.

So anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about hiding in fat. I guess different people hide in different things, and maybe some people don't feel the need to hide (even subconsciously?) at all, but many of us do. Maybe some people hide in makeup, or fancy clothes, or behind a mask of smiles. But many of us, it seems, use our fat as a blanket around something (something physical? something emotional?) that we don't want others to see. When talking about this recently, the question was posed to me: "What were you hiding from then?" I hadn't really thought about that.

Truth is, I really don't know. I always assume, when thinking about other people, that maybe they're hiding from some horribly traumatic event from their past, like maybe they were molested. Maybe they were continually verbally abused by a parent... and I am nearly 100% certain that nothing like that ever happened to me. I mean, other than being verbally accused by classmates in junior high of being "a lesbo," ...repeatedly, and incessantly... other than that, I can't think of anything. Could that have been it? I don't know. I thought I was really tough back then, and even before that I'd already started building up my wall of chub between me and the world.

But I feel like there has to be something. I think about what was going through my mind those years that I kept turning off the "stop eating" signal in my brain. Turning off the "get up off the couch and do something" signal. And encouraging the thought: "Fuck it, I'm happy. So what, I'm fat and I'm happy, and I LOVE eating cookies."

Putting the "lesbo" torture aside, and thinking about what was going through my head in the years leading up to making a decision to change things, I think what I must have been feeling was just an apathy resulting from the idea that I couldn't be perfect, so why try? And if my problem was "I can't be perfect so why try," then is it now improved?

Yes, it is improved. It is not gone, however. In fact, the reason I recognize it so readily now is because I still have the thoughts "I'm not perfect" and "I must be perfect" all the time. The difference between then and now is that I can often (but not always) tell myself "I can't be perfect," and I can tell myself that's okay. I can miss a workout, or eat too much pizza... I can drink too many full-calorie Yuenglings, and I can spend an entire day not doing much of anything. I am not perfect... at all. But that is no excuse not to try. I guess that's the difference.

If you're having trouble taking the time to do something for your own health... or having trouble deciding to do something about your sadness... maybe you can get down to the nitty gritty, and figure out what are you hiding? What are you hiding from? And is it really worth it to hide? Is it benefiting you in any way?

I found it was easier for me to act first, examine later. I started eating healthier, started exercising. If you start doing those things, you might find that you can live off of the adrenaline of the results for quite some time, but you will still come to the time when you have to ask yourself these questions. If you can't make yourself get started though... maybe ask the questions now. Find out the answer. Know it, own it, and move on with your life.