My shirt is less tight!

I know this might not sound like a positive (esp to my dear husband), but my shirt is less tight across the chest today!! The buttons aren't pulling apart! Believe me, this is a good thing (let's assume it's a slight loss in back fat rather than funbags)

And I'm down two pounds from a week ago. Still going strong on the No Alcohol in July policy. 

6th Day Sober

I have been hesitant to use the word "sober." It sounds so official, like admitting there's a problem. The question of whether there's a problem is not a simple one, so I'm not worrying about answering that question right now. Right now, I'm sticking to a commitment I have made to myself: I'm not drinking any alcohol throughout the month of July. I'm just not doing it, and I'll see how it feels. I'll see how it feels dealing with stress, kids, family, friends, work, eating, sleeping, exercising, and hopefully losing weight.

Sofar, a few things I've been doing instead of having a drink:

1. Let's be honest: watching tv. :) 
2. Drinking amazing tea that a supportive friend gave to me.
3. Working out - just one official workout sofar, but that in itself is a change for me.
4. Sleeping well - for some reason, drinking usually leads to sleepless nights for me.
5. Taking an epic Lush-inspired bath

I want to elaborate on this bath thing, without getting too personal. First of all, I'm talking a totally self-platonic bath. And I mean that exactly, because I just looked up "platonic" for clarification, and Google says:

So, my bath was intimate and affectionate, but not sexual. I took the bath because I was stressed out (from going to see the blubberingly sad Inside Out, on top of watching a thought-provoking PBS documentary on transgender kids), and slightly depressed about my kids growing older so quickly. Instead of staying in my funk or having a drink, I admitted that I needed some time to myself, and remembered that I had some wicked-awesome Lush bath bombs that had been waiting patiently for me on the top shelf in my bathroom for just such an occasion. 

Granny Takes a Dip is the one I chose, and it was lovely. It wasn't my favorite--it didn't surprise me with rose petals or encouraging messages written on linen paper, but it was PURPLE! I didn't know it would make the water purple, but in retrospect, pink + blue + green... Turns out, the Lush bath bomb experience was exactly what I needed. The smells, the color, the delightful fizz sound, the ultra-softening of the water (thank you, CaCO₃). After enjoying all this for awhile, I decided to talk to all my amazing body parts that work so hard for me. I touched my foot, noticed that it was beautiful, and thanked it for carrying me around so expertly for so long. Then I touched the scratches on my calves and thanked them for helping me to have an awesome day outside with my boys this past weekend. And so on. 

All of us who have bodies that have functioned beautifully our whole lives, who have never had to sit in a wheelchair, who's arms and legs all bend exactly as they were meant to, who's nervous systems always send exactly the correct signals so that we can move and breathe exactly as needed... we should be thankful every day for that. We should treat our bodies with respect, not only by giving them what they need to grow and keep doing a kick-ass job for us, but by looking directly at them every once in awhile and just being grateful.

(I know we don't all have bodies that have always done what we expected them to be able to do, but today I'm focusing on this aspect. I have a blog post in mind for what it's like when your body lets you down. I'll try to do that one soon.)

It was a nice bath. And I felt amazing afterwards, both physically and emotionally. And now I'm on my sixth sober day.

A little darkness, a few facts

I'm trying to think of a way to say this and also be loving to myself; after all, I've been working on loving myself lately. I've practiced looking in the mirror and loving what I see. I've been sharing pictures of beautiful, healthy meal choices with my dear sisters. I've been listening to those sisters' advice--we all have great, loving feelings to share with each other. Defending your sister against herself comes naturally for us; yet, when no one's looking, I judge myself with rules fit for no one. I am without mercy when it comes to me.

I need to get out of the dark spaces of my mind and into the places that shine, warm and welcoming.

(I know I've read somebody who wrote something like that. I'm just paraphrasing)

So, the facts (something I'm good at):

1. My feet hurt - I've written about this before, but for me, when I am wincing with every step, it's always a sign from my body that it can't carry this much. 
2. I'm not yet ready to show my weight chart, but it clearly shows why my feet hurt. I'm 45 pounds above my (quite modest) goal weight, which is the weight I was when I was at the height of running 5k's regularly.
3. I've been drinking too much - Pretty much every day, heavily a couple times per week. I use it to cope with stress, and like it does, alcohol later makes me feel physically abused.

Solutions: 

1. For feet: ibuprofen. There's nothing more to be done until I get some of the weight off that is killing my feet. 
2. For weight: food & exercise. I don't have a choice (see #1). I must eat good food in reasonable amounts, and start with modest cardio and strength training (3x/week for now). 
3. For drinking: I'm giving it up for the month of July (started 2 days ago). I need to see what it's like, see how I feel differently both in my brain and in my body. 

Thank you for reading this, and please help me in whatever way you feel you can. Like most of us, I have trouble asking--but I need help. If difficult conversations aren't your thing, no problem--ask me about facts: Are you still not drinking? What workouts are you doing? What are you eating? I'm always up for tough conversations though, and I don't mind answering hard questions. I'll do whatever I have to do, because I love my life and I am worth it. 

Thank you.

Good Luck, Last Frog

I did something strange the other day. I "released" or "let go free" my last frog. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't take him grandly to a pond where he might find friends, nor back to the ditch where he was hatched. No, I let him go in my front, urban yard, on a rainy morning. I can't really follow my thought process to logically get to the "let him go--right here" outcome. But here are a few facts, not all of which definitely influenced, but could have influenced my improbable, illogical action:

Fact 1: I was hungover. I had trouble later that morning making other seemingly normal decision, such as whether to turn left at a green light w/no arrow.
Fact 2: Tayan and Zene had been gone for a few days, and I missed them.
Fact 3: It was raining very hard, and our cloudy front lawn looked as cool and inviting and full of tiny bugs as it possibly could.
Fact 4: I had been afraid every morning for awhile that Last Frog (finally named him this just now) would be dead when I checked on him, and I had started to fear that the ants I had been feeding him weren't--enough, I guess.

Whatever the impetus, I took the lid off the cage that I had revered for the last few moths, which I had pored for hours over, watching the tadpoles develop, reading about what they might be and how I might best raise them, watching them react to their artificial, natural-like environ... I took the lid off, caught the little guy, and let him go. I pictured him sinking down the long grass to the soil, which to his perspective looked much like the backyard looked to the shrunken kids in the popular Rick Moranis movie--only, he would feel at home there, finally, and would be able to easily, perhaps adventurously, find small insects that would help him to grow and be successful.

Now as I sit here 2 days later, I realize that the grass has grown quite long from all the rain, and it needs to be cut. And there are no sweet little ponds, or brooks, or even puddles to escape to in my 10'x10' patch of grass that is surrounding by unforgiving concrete.

I'm left wondering why, and coming inexorably back to the inkling that I loved my little frog, yet feared being the one thing that could and would keep him alive. I didn't trust myself to that task, and so like many houseplants, a hamster, and a large handful of hermit crabs have experienced in the past, I let him go to his own devices, such that they may be.

Good luck, Last Frog. I'm sorry I thought of that endearing name for you too late--maybe a cute name would've saved your life from me, caretaker and master of your likely death.

Cooper Family Slumber Party

Tonight we had a Cooper Family Sleepover. When we got home from school and work, Bryan and I told the kids our plan, and Tayan wanted to know what the special occasion was. I told him it wasn't anything in particular, just something me and Daddy thought would be fun to do. He barely believed me, thinking that there must be some occasion we weren't admitting to him.

We all got in our pjs, ordered pizza, and watched Into the Woods in the livingoom. We had fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies, too. After the movie, we all headed up to the attic for the slumber party.

After a brief freak-out episode of Zene crying because he had already fallen asleep during the movie and was convinced he wouldn't have ANY fun and his FIRST slumber party was RUINED because he was too tired to stay awake and we tried to re-assure him and tell him to get up out of bed and/or drink another orange Fanta and/or eat some Doritos. Eventually he sat up and ate some Doritos and got a second wind.

While Bryan and Tayan played Punch-Out and Gauntlet, me and Zene built an amazing wall-coaster which almost had a loop de loop, but that ended up not working out. It did, however, have an amazing set of steps, some cool turns, and eventually a completely flat track that made the marble come to a complete stop before falling off of the end.

(Floyd was banned from the sleepover for peeing all over the floor near the front door because he was too excited to keep chewing his bone to go out and pee).

After all that excitement it was about 10:30, which is about as late as Zene has ever been up. We layed in bed and watched a funny Youtube video, then Bryan, Tayan, and Zene talked about favorite sleepover memories from the past, and other conversational fare... while I typed this.

It was an epic Cooper Evening, and reminded me how very special it is to have bright, happy, healthy kids. These years are so few, and we spend too few hours like the hours we spent tonight, enjoying each others' company, laughing, and loving life.

Bring on 2015

2015 is going to be a great year. I felt it on New Years Eve as we were surrounded by friends in our house having a great time. I felt it even more on New Years Day when I awoke feeling an underlying energy I hadn't felt in a long time. Changes are coming for me this year; some of them I'm already aware of, some of course are unknown.

One change I am hoping for is visiting this blog regularly. The time when I was regularly writing here was some of the most personally productive time in my past. I was physically in the best shape of my life, and had a great confidence in myself.

In the 2 years since, I've been productive in another way. I've developed my career to the point where now, I'm about to embark on a chapter that is beyond what I ever thought I would achieve. It's been a tumultuous couple of years getting to this point, and it's taken its toll on me both physically and emotionally. I believe this transition is coming to an end, and feel like I'm about to emerge on the other end of this tunnel.

So, bring on this new year! I'm ready for a new leaf, and eager at the opportunities and challenges that await me.

Drink the water?

(See my update below after calling EPA)

 Check out this great article written by Ken Ward, entitled How do they know water's safe at 1ppm?: http://www.wvgazette.com/News/201401130090

The above article led me to give American Water a call last night to ask them if they think  my water is safe to drink now that I've done the flush per their instructions. They said it is, and I asked how they know that, and the guy said he doesn't know, hasn't been given the current concentration of MCHM in our water. He gave me the number for the EPA. I called them and they don't open 'till 10AM today. I'm calling them back at 10. 

It's just, there isn't any research out there that explains why 1ppm is a safe level for this particular chemical. The only research on it was done by the company who produces the chemical, and wasn't published in any peer-reviewed journal. Research that isn't peer-reviewed should never be used to make decisions on human health; that's just a no brainer. 

As it is, we are using the water right now for some things... used it to wash some towels... I guess I'm going to take a shower in it, because I can't imagine an alternative. Don't want to use it on my dishes just yet. I think I'll wash them with the clean jug of water we brought home from Bryan's mom's tap. We're brushing our teeth with and drinking bottled water, using purchased ice. 

We ordered a new filter for our fridge last night (they're sold out in all stores around here), and when that comes in I guess we'll consider the filtered water drinkable? I'm still not sure. 

Seeing that Cincinnati stopped sucking in Ohio River water for the next few days due to our flush so far upstream from them of course doesn't help my confidence in our water here about 2 miles from the affected water plant. They said the concentration in Huntington in the Ohio River is close to 1 part per BILLION, and I can only imagine how low it is in Cincinnati--probably undetectable. I would do the same thing if I were responsible for water down there though. Just wish I didn't have to deal with being expected to DRINK it at ~1 part per million.

**update after calling EPA hotline**

Waited about 20 minutes to reach an operator on the EPA hotline, which is neither surprising nor bothersome to me. When I got an operator, I stated that I live in Charleston, West Virginia, and would like to know if my water is safe to drink now that I've gone through the proper flushing procedures recommended by American Water. They said they are a national hotline and do not have local data. They further stated that they're surprised that American Water would recommend I call them for this information, as they do not provide local water quality data. After checking with others around the office, the operator stated that if American Water told us it's safe to drink then it must be at the 1ppm level.

So I asked how they arrived at the conclusion that 1ppm is safe for drinking. They said it's based on their standard. I asked if their standard is based on the one lethal dose study that was conducted by Eastman and apparently never published in a peer-reviewed journal. And if this is the case, how do I really know my water is safe to drink?

They took my phone number and email address and said they would “Reach out to the subject matter” and call me back.