When you really need a leader

Sometimes even leaders really need leaders.

There are several levels of leaders, which is apparent in any organization. There's The Big Guy or Lady on Top, who leads a whole bunch of people, and there's the little guy or lady who has leadership potential, but only has a few folks around him or her who are following their lead. In between, there are various levels of folks who lead others, either directly or by being on a team with them, or just by being that person who people look up to.

Every one of those leaders needs a leader to follow. And when times are tough, in times of huge transition, and when they just feel totally at a loss--they need that leader to be there.

So, who is it? Who do they look to?

Sometimes, when they find themselves at a loss, a leader may look towards their past. Maybe they have a mom or a dad who was their first leader, and they're fortunate enough to still have that parent available to talk to. Maybe they look to history, because every tough situation has been encountered before--they may ask "How did my favorite leader from history respond?" Maybe this is always the first step: look to the past, get your bearings. Answer the question, "Where do I stand?"

Then, they look to the future. "Okay, I know where I came from--where do I go now?" For that, they need someone big, someone who has a vision for the future they themselves envision. Someone who can, either literally or figuratively, with words of encouragement, tell them how to get where we want to go, even when it seems impossible. When things have come unraveled, this person won't be a person above them in a chain of command. It also is not likely to be a person who they recently looked to for leadership, because that thinking is what led them to where they are now.

When a leader has found themselves at a loss, unraveled from what they held to be true, they need to look around hard for that new leader. Look until they find the right person to follow. And if you don't see that leader anywhere around you--if you don't see who you can follow into the future, then maybe that person is you. Be that leader. Be that person with the vision, with the hope, with the words of encouragement. If everyone is looking at you, be the person who can get them where they want to go.

Do you, Mister Jones?

Needed to get out of the world this morning, needed some words, wanted to hear words written awhile ago by somebody who had a bigger understanding than that of any present situations. So, I listened to Bob Dylan. I'd never heard these words quite the same as I heard them this morning... to Ballad of a Thin Man. I put in my earphones and typed them as I heard them. Here's what I got. I'm still wondering if I'll be able to concentrate on anything having to do with the real world today. But, I'm much better off now than I was a couple hours ago when I woke up.

you walk into the room
with your pencil in your hand
you see somebody naked
and you say, who is that man
you try so hard, but you
don't understand
just what you will say when you get home
because something is happening here but you don't know what it is
do you, Mister Jones?

you raise up your head
and you ask is this where it is
and somebody points to you and says it's his
and you say what's mine
and somebody else says what is
and you say oh my god am i here all alone?
but something is happening and you don't know what it is
do you, Mister Jones?

you hand in your ticket
and you go watch the geek
who immediately walks up to you
when he hears you speak
and says how does it feel
to be such a freak
and you say impossible, as he hands you a bone
and something is happening here but you don't know what it is
do you, Mister Jones?

you have many contacts
among the lumberjacks
to get you facts when someone attacks your imagination
but nobody has any respect anyway they already expect you all to
give you a check
to tax deductible charity organizations

you've been with the professors
and they've all liked your looks
with great lawyers you have discussed lepers and crooks
you've been through all of F Scott Fitzgerald's books
you're very well-read, it's well-known
but something is happening here and you don't know what it is
do you, Mister Jones?

well the sword swallower, he comes up to you and then he kneels
he crosses himself and then he clicks his high heals
and without further notice he asks you, how it feels
and he says here is your throat back thanks for the loan
and you know something is happening but you don't know what it is
do you, Mister Jones?

now you see this one-eyed midget
shouting the word NOW
and you say for what reason
and he says HOW
and you say what does this mean
and he screams back YOU'RE A COW
give me some milk or else go home
and you know something's happening but you don't know what it is
do you, Mister Jones?

well you walk into the room like a camel and then you frown
you put your eyes in your pocket and your nose on the ground
there outta be a law against you comin around
you should be made to wear earphones
cause something is happening and you don't know what it is
do you, Mister Jones?

I figured out this morning why my lacrimal glands tend to produce ample lubrication exactly the second right after I get a big drink of water. It is not how I thought (that the water somehow goes up through my head immediately and out my eyes). Instead, it's probably because of my pterygopalatine ganglion (a parasympathetic nerve, meaning it's in close proximity and close communication with its subject, the lacrimal glands). The pterygopalatine ganglion is connected right at the back of my face near the upper mandible back to the greater superficial petrosal nerve, which in turn is connected back to the maxillary nerve. The maxillary nerve transmits sensory fibers from the maxillary teeth and mouth out to these sister nerves. 

So, when I take a drink of water, Maxillary Nerve says (innervates) "Hey guys, there's cold wet stuff in here, probably WATER!" and Greater Petrosal Nerve says "Dude, Maxillary tells me there's water going in right NOW!" and Pterygopalatine Ganglion says "Thank GOD, because lacrimal's been hung over since all that beer was consumed last night! I'll tell him!" And boom, my eyes fill with delicious, refreshing lacrimal fluids. So cool. 

Be Timewise

I’ve very recently decided to start using my time more wisely. As many throughout forever have said in many different ways: you only get one life--live it. I want to make sure that, when I get old enough to not have to do anything for anyone or for society anymore, that I can look back at a life that I lived to the best of my ability. I want to have had fun, been productive, loved, taught, given my opinion, convinced that my opinion was the right one, and left a mark on this world that would be remembered. 

 So, it’s a tall order, really. It’s so much easier to spend my time getting through the work day, toting kids around to this and that, vacationing beyond its affordability, drinking alcohol whenever I feel like it, playing games, sleeping, getting fat, lying on couches… it’s harder to decide to use the 8 hours at work for being productive, usually in what they expect me to be doing, and sometimes for involving myself in other worldly endeavors, like helping my kids’ schools or extracurricular activities. It’s harder to retain my own identity in the face of motherhood, wifedom, as a friend, board member, president, or employee. It’s difficult to take the pay that you’ve earned and spend it on just what you need--and not to take money you’ve never earned to ‘get away, because we deserve it.’ It’s hard to spend time walking, reading, getting up early, feeling healthy, instead of staying up late, drinking, sleeping in, lying around. 

I said years ago, and I stick to it, that no one ever said it would be easy. While living the life you want sometimes feels just right--often, and most importantly--most de-railingly, it’s tough. As soon as it’s tough, you want to quit. That’s the point where you have to push on. On the other side of it you can look back and be glad you got through, but on the front side of the toughness, you just don’t have the energy. That desire, that need to just be and to not be great… it’s overwhelming. 

 So, what is my plan? Well first thing I did is write down a new little note to myself of what I want to be thinking about/focusing on, and put it in a place where I’ll see it several times per day. The word is “timewise.” Be wise with my time. Time will always plod on, and I know that every minute, every hour, every year will pass faster as my relative time in this world goes on--so I need to do the right thing with this incredible gift I’m given every day--time, and the freedom to choose what to do with it. I want to choose the best path, every day, every hour, every minute. Moreover, when I don’t choose the best path, I want to get right back onto it as soon as I can. 

A Matter of Facial Soap

Zene’s been obsessing over his face for a few days now, because this weekend after the use of much sunscreen, his face had little bumps all over it for a day or so. They are gone now, but he’s determined to now keep his face clean and presumably perfect.

Last night when I was tucking him into bed, he asked me to go to his closet and get his Playbills—they were in a large manila envelope labeled “Playbills,” and contained only the official Broadway (including touring shows) plays that we’ve been to. He looked through them quickly, found the one he was looking for, and turned to the middle page.

He showed me the Clinique ad on this page, and told me this was the facial soap he wanted me to get for him. It’s a green bottle with a pump lid.

As is not usually my custom when the kids request something more than $5 and it’s not a special occasion, I went to Elder Beerman today to look for the soap. I looked at all the soaps while the sales lady was busy, and started to get a little nervous because I figured I’d end up telling her my young son is looking for this soap, and he really is too young to be washing his face regularly, but he really wants to get in the habit—I would need to tell her this because I needed the gentlest soap available. Briefly, I looked at the men’s products, but decided against them—they weren’t what Zene was going for, and they were probably for rough man faces anyway. I’m sorry to say that also briefly, I imagined telling the sales lady I was looking for my daughter instead of son, because what the heck does she know, and it’s none of her business anyway. But I thought that would betray the cool, openness of our family—you like what you like, and your gender doesn’t matter.

When the lady inquired as to what I was looking for in a soap, I told her it was for my young son. She got all weird for a minute, and said “we have men’s soaps available…” I told her I wasn’t interested in them, my son was interested in this particular line, and plus his skin is very sensitive.

Anyway, I bought the soap. Spent way too much on facial soap for my 9 year old, but he is going to be SO excited. I can’t wait to give it to him! 

Bananas are on sale!

This morning I decided to go to Kroger before work. I just wanted stuff that was fresh, that would make my stomach and bowels and brain and muscles feel good. I bought the following:

First walked in, saw and grabbed a 6-pack of kiwi for $1.99. Score!
Next, cucumbers were (not soft like a few weeks ago, and) 2/$0.99. Yes! I got 2.
Wanted lettuce, so I picked up my favorite: Boston lettuce. $1.79, I think.
Green pepper, $0.99
Needed protein, had a coupon, so I got some roasted, salted pistachios. $2.99 after coupon.
Almost passed the bananas (they never go on sale), but they were $0.39/lb! Got 4.
Kashi cinnamon mini wheats. Love them, and needed protein & fiber.
Light vanilla soy milk for the cereal.

I needed one more thing: something to dip veggies into. I had been thinking hummus, but there's only one brand of hummus that I like (Sabra), and it's almost never on sale. It wasn't. Plus, I used to think hummus was this wonder dip, but it really isn't that great. Sure, it's low in calories, but it's also low in protein and fiber. Granted, it's better than sour cream based dip, but... it was more expensive. So, I went to the dip section and selected a Helluva good "greek style" ranch dip, which had less fat than its brothers.

So, I'm excited to eat today. I spent $20, by the way, and what I don't eat today and tomorrow at work is going home with me for the weekend. 

Plus, I'm going back for more bananas for the kids. They only like bananas sometimes, but --they're on sale!

P.S. Isn't it truly amazing that we live in a place and a time where we can walk into a store and see a dazzling variety of fresh food that we can afford to buy, to grow our bodies and our families into healthy, happy people?

Stellar lunch & OH- Consumption Triggers

Still going strong, no alcohol... late night last night with friends of Bryan's from out of town. Here are some of my Desire for Alcoholic Consumption Triggers that occurred last night:

• unknown people, powerful people, good-looking people (impress them!)
• requirement for spontaneous conversation (not with folks comfy with long bouts of silence)
• tired, hungry, or bored (describes most free time)
• having accomplished yard work (comes straight from Dad and his 1 Busch Light after grass-mowing)
• merry-making of any kind (thank you, college)

Nine more evenings, and then it'll be a Saturday night, first of August, and I will be sharing a growler of Raj with someone. 

Anyway, for today: 

I was very hungry around 10 o'clock, because I hadn't had breakfast. 

By 11:30 was ravenous, and had images of Arby's in my head (heavily-advertised BLT, fries, soda)

Didn't want to screw up my day though, so put this thought into my head:

No matter what I eat right now, whether it be salad or gargantuan sandwich, it's going to alleviate this desperately hungry feeling. So choose WELL.

Decided, no matter what, was going to eat something good for my body for lunch.

Headed out the door.

Driving down the road, crazy thoughts of shopping, car-wash, visiting Floyd, eating, all the possibilities...

Decided on Pita Pit. Parked. Went in: 10 people in line. 

Nope.

Got back in car, going who-knows-where... 

Subway: credit card machine down. Had no cash. 

Nope.

Back on road, towards McDonald's to turn around. Avoided it. Wendy's? 

Decided to head home, get Wendy's salad, eat with Floyd on my porch.

Hopped on the bridge, exited, got into Wendy's lot: 10 cars waiting. 

Nope.

Headed to Other Subway. Got in line (5ish cars). Waited, strategized a tasty healthy sandwich.

(12" honey oat, ham, guac, spinach, jalapeno, black olive, cucumber, toasted, no cheese)

Wanted to eat right there in parking lot, listen to podcast. 

Instead, went home (round the block), took my water, phone, sandwich, Bose (to listen), 

and Floyd to the front porch. 

Beautiful sunny day, not too hot, my little buddy to keep company. 

Listened to Iggy Pop on Bose, shared the sandwich with Floyd.

Despite many obstacles, had a stellar lunch today. 

My Extra Long Attention Span

My friends tell me if I've made it this far, I'm not an alcoholic. Some days are harder than others, however. 

Some days, like Fourth of July have the voices in my head telling me that there's really no point in this exercise. I'm obviously fine, I know how to set limits, and therefore what in the world is the point of denying myself something that helps me to have fun, relax, and celebrate special occasions?

But some days, like on a particularly difficult work day followed by a busy evening of errands and chores, when my brain keeps going through the familiar loop of "stress... beer? stress... beer? stress... old fashioned?" On those days, I'm more sure of why I'm taking a month off from alchohol. 

As I approach my 16th day alcohol-free, I'm starting to understand the point of this exersie: re-discovering other ways to unwind. In the last few years, I've used drinking more and more to reduce stress, and lately it's gotten to be my go-to method, replacing exercise, reading, meditation, and alone time. In addition, though I've taken up playing very entertaining board games, even those are supplemented by the addition of copious amounts of alcohol. (and honestly, getting drunk just might be the reason I lose 90% of the games I play, and that shit has to stop). 

Last night was a Saturday night, and we were fortunate enough to have two seperate groups of friends come to hang out with us. First, the early crowd (starring Baby Elenore), then the late crowd (starring Brandon, who's about to move cross-country). We hung out at our kitchen bar, laughed, talked, chased the baby, played games... it was fun. It was not easy to refrain from drinking an adult beverage. My "fun... beer. fun... rhubarb whiskey drink" tape kept playing over and over in my head. And the "what's the point of this again?" track got old, too. 

But the friends are supportive, which helps. The baby still thinks I'm funny, one friend acts as my trainor, saying "you fuckin' have to do this; you've come this far..." Another friend makes me a delicious virgin (I roll my eyes) rhubarb drink, and everyone pretends not to notice that I'm dogging the leftover birthday cake and chips/dip (yeah, my diet isn't doing the best). 

My game play is impeccable. I stick to my strategy, expertly play banker, and  remind everyone when it's their turn. I still lose the game, but come in a strong second. I personify Mitch Hedburg's joke about accidentally taking a friend's ADHD medicine, thus having an "extra long attention span." I annoy myself with my own attentiveness, and am disgusted as I earn praise for making a play I would've never thought of if I had my brain been dulled. But I had fun, laughed just as much as everyone else, and like I said I almost won. 

So, it's Day 16, and it's true: I have come too far to give up now. I've been through family gatherings, Saturday nights, kid birthday planning, and I have more difficult events ahead. But I will do it. I'll use this time to remember other ways to relax, and I'll leverage this extra long attention span to finally win some games.

My shirt is less tight!

I know this might not sound like a positive (esp to my dear husband), but my shirt is less tight across the chest today!! The buttons aren't pulling apart! Believe me, this is a good thing (let's assume it's a slight loss in back fat rather than funbags)

And I'm down two pounds from a week ago. Still going strong on the No Alcohol in July policy. 

6th Day Sober

I have been hesitant to use the word "sober." It sounds so official, like admitting there's a problem. The question of whether there's a problem is not a simple one, so I'm not worrying about answering that question right now. Right now, I'm sticking to a commitment I have made to myself: I'm not drinking any alcohol throughout the month of July. I'm just not doing it, and I'll see how it feels. I'll see how it feels dealing with stress, kids, family, friends, work, eating, sleeping, exercising, and hopefully losing weight.

Sofar, a few things I've been doing instead of having a drink:

1. Let's be honest: watching tv. :) 
2. Drinking amazing tea that a supportive friend gave to me.
3. Working out - just one official workout sofar, but that in itself is a change for me.
4. Sleeping well - for some reason, drinking usually leads to sleepless nights for me.
5. Taking an epic Lush-inspired bath

I want to elaborate on this bath thing, without getting too personal. First of all, I'm talking a totally self-platonic bath. And I mean that exactly, because I just looked up "platonic" for clarification, and Google says:

So, my bath was intimate and affectionate, but not sexual. I took the bath because I was stressed out (from going to see the blubberingly sad Inside Out, on top of watching a thought-provoking PBS documentary on transgender kids), and slightly depressed about my kids growing older so quickly. Instead of staying in my funk or having a drink, I admitted that I needed some time to myself, and remembered that I had some wicked-awesome Lush bath bombs that had been waiting patiently for me on the top shelf in my bathroom for just such an occasion. 

Granny Takes a Dip is the one I chose, and it was lovely. It wasn't my favorite--it didn't surprise me with rose petals or encouraging messages written on linen paper, but it was PURPLE! I didn't know it would make the water purple, but in retrospect, pink + blue + green... Turns out, the Lush bath bomb experience was exactly what I needed. The smells, the color, the delightful fizz sound, the ultra-softening of the water (thank you, CaCO₃). After enjoying all this for awhile, I decided to talk to all my amazing body parts that work so hard for me. I touched my foot, noticed that it was beautiful, and thanked it for carrying me around so expertly for so long. Then I touched the scratches on my calves and thanked them for helping me to have an awesome day outside with my boys this past weekend. And so on. 

All of us who have bodies that have functioned beautifully our whole lives, who have never had to sit in a wheelchair, who's arms and legs all bend exactly as they were meant to, who's nervous systems always send exactly the correct signals so that we can move and breathe exactly as needed... we should be thankful every day for that. We should treat our bodies with respect, not only by giving them what they need to grow and keep doing a kick-ass job for us, but by looking directly at them every once in awhile and just being grateful.

(I know we don't all have bodies that have always done what we expected them to be able to do, but today I'm focusing on this aspect. I have a blog post in mind for what it's like when your body lets you down. I'll try to do that one soon.)

It was a nice bath. And I felt amazing afterwards, both physically and emotionally. And now I'm on my sixth sober day.

A little darkness, a few facts

I'm trying to think of a way to say this and also be loving to myself; after all, I've been working on loving myself lately. I've practiced looking in the mirror and loving what I see. I've been sharing pictures of beautiful, healthy meal choices with my dear sisters. I've been listening to those sisters' advice--we all have great, loving feelings to share with each other. Defending your sister against herself comes naturally for us; yet, when no one's looking, I judge myself with rules fit for no one. I am without mercy when it comes to me.

I need to get out of the dark spaces of my mind and into the places that shine, warm and welcoming.

(I know I've read somebody who wrote something like that. I'm just paraphrasing)

So, the facts (something I'm good at):

1. My feet hurt - I've written about this before, but for me, when I am wincing with every step, it's always a sign from my body that it can't carry this much. 
2. I'm not yet ready to show my weight chart, but it clearly shows why my feet hurt. I'm 45 pounds above my (quite modest) goal weight, which is the weight I was when I was at the height of running 5k's regularly.
3. I've been drinking too much - Pretty much every day, heavily a couple times per week. I use it to cope with stress, and like it does, alcohol later makes me feel physically abused.

Solutions: 

1. For feet: ibuprofen. There's nothing more to be done until I get some of the weight off that is killing my feet. 
2. For weight: food & exercise. I don't have a choice (see #1). I must eat good food in reasonable amounts, and start with modest cardio and strength training (3x/week for now). 
3. For drinking: I'm giving it up for the month of July (started 2 days ago). I need to see what it's like, see how I feel differently both in my brain and in my body. 

Thank you for reading this, and please help me in whatever way you feel you can. Like most of us, I have trouble asking--but I need help. If difficult conversations aren't your thing, no problem--ask me about facts: Are you still not drinking? What workouts are you doing? What are you eating? I'm always up for tough conversations though, and I don't mind answering hard questions. I'll do whatever I have to do, because I love my life and I am worth it. 

Thank you.

Good Luck, Last Frog

I did something strange the other day. I "released" or "let go free" my last frog. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't take him grandly to a pond where he might find friends, nor back to the ditch where he was hatched. No, I let him go in my front, urban yard, on a rainy morning. I can't really follow my thought process to logically get to the "let him go--right here" outcome. But here are a few facts, not all of which definitely influenced, but could have influenced my improbable, illogical action:

Fact 1: I was hungover. I had trouble later that morning making other seemingly normal decision, such as whether to turn left at a green light w/no arrow.
Fact 2: Tayan and Zene had been gone for a few days, and I missed them.
Fact 3: It was raining very hard, and our cloudy front lawn looked as cool and inviting and full of tiny bugs as it possibly could.
Fact 4: I had been afraid every morning for awhile that Last Frog (finally named him this just now) would be dead when I checked on him, and I had started to fear that the ants I had been feeding him weren't--enough, I guess.

Whatever the impetus, I took the lid off the cage that I had revered for the last few moths, which I had pored for hours over, watching the tadpoles develop, reading about what they might be and how I might best raise them, watching them react to their artificial, natural-like environ... I took the lid off, caught the little guy, and let him go. I pictured him sinking down the long grass to the soil, which to his perspective looked much like the backyard looked to the shrunken kids in the popular Rick Moranis movie--only, he would feel at home there, finally, and would be able to easily, perhaps adventurously, find small insects that would help him to grow and be successful.

Now as I sit here 2 days later, I realize that the grass has grown quite long from all the rain, and it needs to be cut. And there are no sweet little ponds, or brooks, or even puddles to escape to in my 10'x10' patch of grass that is surrounding by unforgiving concrete.

I'm left wondering why, and coming inexorably back to the inkling that I loved my little frog, yet feared being the one thing that could and would keep him alive. I didn't trust myself to that task, and so like many houseplants, a hamster, and a large handful of hermit crabs have experienced in the past, I let him go to his own devices, such that they may be.

Good luck, Last Frog. I'm sorry I thought of that endearing name for you too late--maybe a cute name would've saved your life from me, caretaker and master of your likely death.

Cooper Family Slumber Party

Tonight we had a Cooper Family Sleepover. When we got home from school and work, Bryan and I told the kids our plan, and Tayan wanted to know what the special occasion was. I told him it wasn't anything in particular, just something me and Daddy thought would be fun to do. He barely believed me, thinking that there must be some occasion we weren't admitting to him.

We all got in our pjs, ordered pizza, and watched Into the Woods in the livingoom. We had fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies, too. After the movie, we all headed up to the attic for the slumber party.

After a brief freak-out episode of Zene crying because he had already fallen asleep during the movie and was convinced he wouldn't have ANY fun and his FIRST slumber party was RUINED because he was too tired to stay awake and we tried to re-assure him and tell him to get up out of bed and/or drink another orange Fanta and/or eat some Doritos. Eventually he sat up and ate some Doritos and got a second wind.

While Bryan and Tayan played Punch-Out and Gauntlet, me and Zene built an amazing wall-coaster which almost had a loop de loop, but that ended up not working out. It did, however, have an amazing set of steps, some cool turns, and eventually a completely flat track that made the marble come to a complete stop before falling off of the end.

(Floyd was banned from the sleepover for peeing all over the floor near the front door because he was too excited to keep chewing his bone to go out and pee).

After all that excitement it was about 10:30, which is about as late as Zene has ever been up. We layed in bed and watched a funny Youtube video, then Bryan, Tayan, and Zene talked about favorite sleepover memories from the past, and other conversational fare... while I typed this.

It was an epic Cooper Evening, and reminded me how very special it is to have bright, happy, healthy kids. These years are so few, and we spend too few hours like the hours we spent tonight, enjoying each others' company, laughing, and loving life.

Bring on 2015

2015 is going to be a great year. I felt it on New Years Eve as we were surrounded by friends in our house having a great time. I felt it even more on New Years Day when I awoke feeling an underlying energy I hadn't felt in a long time. Changes are coming for me this year; some of them I'm already aware of, some of course are unknown.

One change I am hoping for is visiting this blog regularly. The time when I was regularly writing here was some of the most personally productive time in my past. I was physically in the best shape of my life, and had a great confidence in myself.

In the 2 years since, I've been productive in another way. I've developed my career to the point where now, I'm about to embark on a chapter that is beyond what I ever thought I would achieve. It's been a tumultuous couple of years getting to this point, and it's taken its toll on me both physically and emotionally. I believe this transition is coming to an end, and feel like I'm about to emerge on the other end of this tunnel.

So, bring on this new year! I'm ready for a new leaf, and eager at the opportunities and challenges that await me.

Drink the water?

(See my update below after calling EPA)

 Check out this great article written by Ken Ward, entitled How do they know water's safe at 1ppm?: http://www.wvgazette.com/News/201401130090

The above article led me to give American Water a call last night to ask them if they think  my water is safe to drink now that I've done the flush per their instructions. They said it is, and I asked how they know that, and the guy said he doesn't know, hasn't been given the current concentration of MCHM in our water. He gave me the number for the EPA. I called them and they don't open 'till 10AM today. I'm calling them back at 10. 

It's just, there isn't any research out there that explains why 1ppm is a safe level for this particular chemical. The only research on it was done by the company who produces the chemical, and wasn't published in any peer-reviewed journal. Research that isn't peer-reviewed should never be used to make decisions on human health; that's just a no brainer. 

As it is, we are using the water right now for some things... used it to wash some towels... I guess I'm going to take a shower in it, because I can't imagine an alternative. Don't want to use it on my dishes just yet. I think I'll wash them with the clean jug of water we brought home from Bryan's mom's tap. We're brushing our teeth with and drinking bottled water, using purchased ice. 

We ordered a new filter for our fridge last night (they're sold out in all stores around here), and when that comes in I guess we'll consider the filtered water drinkable? I'm still not sure. 

Seeing that Cincinnati stopped sucking in Ohio River water for the next few days due to our flush so far upstream from them of course doesn't help my confidence in our water here about 2 miles from the affected water plant. They said the concentration in Huntington in the Ohio River is close to 1 part per BILLION, and I can only imagine how low it is in Cincinnati--probably undetectable. I would do the same thing if I were responsible for water down there though. Just wish I didn't have to deal with being expected to DRINK it at ~1 part per million.

**update after calling EPA hotline**

Waited about 20 minutes to reach an operator on the EPA hotline, which is neither surprising nor bothersome to me. When I got an operator, I stated that I live in Charleston, West Virginia, and would like to know if my water is safe to drink now that I've gone through the proper flushing procedures recommended by American Water. They said they are a national hotline and do not have local data. They further stated that they're surprised that American Water would recommend I call them for this information, as they do not provide local water quality data. After checking with others around the office, the operator stated that if American Water told us it's safe to drink then it must be at the 1ppm level.

So I asked how they arrived at the conclusion that 1ppm is safe for drinking. They said it's based on their standard. I asked if their standard is based on the one lethal dose study that was conducted by Eastman and apparently never published in a peer-reviewed journal. And if this is the case, how do I really know my water is safe to drink?

They took my phone number and email address and said they would “Reach out to the subject matter” and call me back. 

Hot coffee: yum!

I've been annoyed by my annoying posts lately. Here's an anicdotal one... there should be a lot more of these, proportionately. I'll work on that.

A few days ago at work in the morning I was feeling groggy and in need of coffee. Got out my cup, put creamer in it, and went across the hall. Found a nice full pot of coffee there, and filled my cup. As I walked away, wondered briefly why my cup didn't feel hot. I figured it was just because it takes a few seconds for coffee to heat up a ceramic cup.

Went back to my desk, sat down, took a sip, and it was COLD, from the day before! I spit it back in the cup. Me and my office mate laughed. Since then when I hold a hot cup of coffee I laugh at myself; how could I have ever not realized I had cold coffee?

Goonies Never Say Die.

So, it's like I forgot--or forgot to mention--that I had a pretty major vacation coming up in October. We went on our annual fling to Universal Studios, staying at Hard Rock Hotel. We have a great time there, and eat things like popcorn, beer, pizza, beer, free cookies, free breakfast, and free evening "snacks" accompanied by free beer. Somehow, even though you walk for miles at an amusement park, mysteriously you never lose weight while there. I can't figure it out (did I mention "free beer")?

I don't know how I thought I was going to eat basically Zero Sugar through the month of October with that on the horizon. Needless to say, I ate sugar--lots of it. And when I got back, I didn't stop. I was feeling pretty durn bad about myself a couple of days ago, starting to think things like "maybe I'm just a fat person at heart... maybe this is just who I am and I should stop fighting it... maybe I'm happier this way."

But of course, I wasn't happy at all. After a long, difficult, stressful day at work, my natural tendency has become to come home and either 1. lay down on the couch, 2. lay down in bed for an actual nap, or 3. start drinking beer. Seriously, are these the actions of a happy person? Somehow I had convinced myself that since this was the path of least resistance, it was the best I could do.

What I had forgotten about was momentum. Now, momentum is caused a little bit by eating right (which I've been doing off and on for months), but what really gets momentum going is exercise. I had decided that I needed to get to eating right consistently before I would add exercise, because that's what I did such a long time ago when I succeeded in losing 70 pounds. Turns out that's not the best idea, because I wasn't getting the momentum--physical momentum caused by endorphins that charge up your psyche and leave you wanting more--and emotional momentum caused by knowing for sure that you can physically achieve something.

When I woke up yesterday morning I decided the only way I would definitely get to the gym is if I asked somebody to make me go there. There's a guy at work who goes to the gym every day at lunch (free gym in our building), so I asked him to drag me along. Didn't care when it was, but when he came to tell me to go I would go. And I did. It was awesome, and it changed my whole day. I sweated, became exhausted, ate lunch, had energy, and kept having energy all the way until it was time to go to bed. At home, I did dishes, played drums (haven't done that in months), joked with the kids, folded laundry, and had a great evening with Bryan. At around 10 o'clock I could feel my legs and my whole body being really tired--for all the right reasons.

Now, I know I will continue to ebb and flow, and sometimes I'll ebb all the way down to complete misery, but... the difference between me and a truly miserable person is that I will never stop trying. I won't give up. I don't quit. I might go a week where all I eat is Twix and I hate myself, but that week will come to an end, I will come to my senses, and I will get back on the right track. Goonies never say die.

Going Strong

One week into Brain Enema Fall 2013, and I am going strong...

I've stuck to my rules very well except for one or three teensy things here and there, which I think is a huge win! I find that if you don't have teensy things here and there that take you out of Diet Perefction, then you are either:

1. lying, or 
2. being too strict.

My teensy things were: 

    a.   some homemade croutons made with white bread on an otherwise perfect-choice chicken salad

    b.   few bites of a Chocolate Pot du Creme practice batch

    c.   a Diet Coke at a sub shop where I did not order a sub; rather a chef salad

    d.   a large biscuit perched atop my Chicken Pot Biscuit dinner Saturday (but that's cheat meal anyway)

And then of course I had my planned "cheat" on Saturday, which was half of a Chocolate Pot du Creme, which was absolutely heavenly. I even avoided eating the rest of it the next day, since it was no longer my "cheat meal." 

I'm feeling great about this plan. Of course, I have had a few moments when I wanted to throw the tv out the window for showing me the new Papa John's chocolate chip cookie pizza (totally evil), or people eating pie (dastardly). But, it's all good. The tv and I both survived.

I had plain strawberries with whipped cream on them for dessert last night. Nominal sugar, some fat, and it made me feel full and happy. 

Oh, and I'm down from hovering at 205 for quite awhile now to 201 this morning. And my pants are a little loose. Woot!

Brain Enema

"This town needs an enema." 

This Laura needs an enema--of my brain more than anything. I've had a lot of blockages in there, not necessarily related to problem-solving and critical thinking, but along the neural pathways that cause me to make good decisions for me. One of my newest motto's is "be kind to yourself," because I certainly haven't been for at least a year now. I'm going to change that.

I've decided to accomplish this clean-out of my neural area by laying down some good old-fashioned diet rules... I tried this a couple months ago, and it went great. I lost something like 7ish pounds in the week that I stuck to it really well. I'm going back to it, and I'm committing to do it for ONE MONTH. For the month of October, I'm following the following rules:

1. No calorie counting and/or logging food into a food-logging app (I find this distracting, time-consuming, and lately just a recipe for failure). 
2. No sugar in greater than 5-gram quantities per serving (which allows creamer in coffee, Silk on cereal, etc), except once on Saturdays
3. No white flour products (stick to whole grains, the more fiber the better)
4. No sugar substitutes (aspartame, sucralose, etc)
5. Acception: FRUIT. Unlimited on fruit intake, but staying away from super high carb fruits like bananas.

For now, I'm not incorporating any required exercise to go along with this. I've had a hard enough time starting one thing and finishing it, so I'm just going to focus on this for now. 

In order to accomplish this I'm going to focus on protein-rich snacks, as well as vegetables and fruits. When I feel a craving, I will have a piece of cheese or handful of fiber-rich crackers, or grab a piece of fruit. Even if I get hungry at night... because eating after a certain time is totally allowed on this plan. 

Who's with me?? Who's up for a brain enema?!

Toxins are a bitch

Alright, here's the deal. I have spent the last 4+ days in varying states of misery going from my neck to my nose to throughout my entire head, shoulders, inside my head... Woke up Saturday morning with pain in my neck, went about my normal activities, then all of a sudden my shoulder/neck area just seized up. Spent the rest of the weekend trying to keep it from freaking out more, resting, icing, etc. It was terrible; I mean, I got LAUNDRY to do, man! Sunday I decided maybe I had something terrible like meningitis, so I set out to go to Med Express. On the way there, I thought "what the heck am I doing? what do i want? pain meds?" After seeing the parking lot and how many sick people were waiting to see a doctor, I decided this can't be the place for me. Went to the drug store instead and bought a new icey bag for my neck and two packs of chocolate for my brain.

Monday I went to the chiropractor (Dr Grose of Grose Chiropractic, check them out if you're anywhere close to here). He is awesome, by the way. I love him and his whole practice. Having a massage every time I go does give them bonus points, but in general it's just a nice community place where everybody talks about what they're doing to get better. It's not all private like doctors' offices usually are. People are there to do exercises, talk to health experts, and get better.

Anyway, they straightened me out, and Doc told me I'd feel much better the next day.

Instead, yesterday I felt HORRIBLE. I had an important meeting at work where I was supposed to present this entirely new concept to a bunch of skeptical folks who were apt to buck the new system. I was supposed to sell it. It didn't happen. I let somebody else take over, and sat there feeling like I might pass out or throw up. Considered walking out and going home in the middle of the meeting, but sat there till it was done and then did just that. I didn't know what the heck was up, because it felt like I was going to DIE, like I had the flu.

Went back to the chiro today, talked to them about everything, and realized--you know what, Laura, you're just screwing yourself. Screwing myself with the food I eat, the caffeine I take in, the aspartame, the grease, the TOXINS. When they straightened me out on Monday it released all these toxins that had been pent up in my head/neck/back, and I simply didn't drink enough water to flush them out! Simple as that. They were right, I had barely drank any water, and I had no other excuse to feel "flulike" yesterday.

When I left there I thought I just can't do this anymore. I can't put my body and mind through this kind of treatment. I'm going back to my "no white stuff" diet: no sugar except in a serving of 5g or less (like cereal) or in fruit, no white flour. I'm going to focus on eating mostly vegetables and fruit, with plenty of protein. I just have to do it.

Please if you read this, help keep me honest. Ask me how it's going. I need you! Thanks.